During his period of residency in Istanbul, the Albanian author Adrian Zalla participated in the literary festival ITEF. The text we are
publishing was read by him in this festival.
My name is Muhamet and I am stuck. I am stuck inside of my head. I am rapped by my thoughts, and trapped by my over thinking. And as I
walk in Kadikoy I see a lot of lost people wondering around, maybe they aren´t lost but that’s how I see, maybe because I am lost and I do
not want to accept it. So let´s start telling the story of Muhamet – who was a genius. Or he would have been. He would have been a genius if he had surrounded himself with the right people. Of course if he would have chosen the right path. A path where he dedicates all himself to one thing, to one passion, to one future, to one love.
Well, he wasn’t really stable. Well, stability is overrated. Living in a mess has its own charms. Its own adventures. And what would be life without mistakes and adventures? Is it death maybe?! Just kidding… I do not know.
I was telling you that Muhamet wasn’t stable. That definitely it is not a good thing. He missed a lot of opportunities toward success and that ade him often choose the wrong path.
So M. had really a great childhood so there is no drama. I think the drama started when he first got to question things; so let me make it
simpler for you, the drama started when he got his heart broken for the first time. Accept it or not, that leaves a scar for life. It leaves
a scar of disbelief. It leaves a scar of trust-issues. It pushes you to put everything in the light of the shadow.
So where was I? So where was he? So I was telling to you that I feel stuck. Partially because I feel I don’t belong in my head but I do belong
in my soul. My soul is a fountain of kindness and my mind a source of evil, and often my mind; not to say always my mind wins, and that
hurts me. It hurts me, and I cannot even start to describe it. And trust me, I am not being dramatic. Well at least not now, in this confession.
The motherfucker got my words from my mouth. I will tell you about M. He enjoys being evil. Don’t fall for his act. It is that,
just an act. Muhamet loves to hurt people, enjoys seeing people suffering and laughs on them. So when he says his soul is kind,
maybe in a past it was, but now we are long past that. M. loves to experiment on people. Especially he loves to test them; in every possible way. Yes, he is a genius, the genius of inventing new ways of hurting people. And he does all that only by observing and using words. It is fascinating, isn’t it?
So do you want me to tell you his darkest secrets? I would love to do that. To be honest me too I do enjoy seeing people suffer, but I don’t do it for fun as M. does, I need to feel something, something to feel I am alive, and I am living, that’s why I do it. So let’s go back to what I was
telling you, I am Muhamet and I am stuck between my mind and my soul. I am terrified that my mind will invade everything, and poison everything good in me. I am looking like crazy for a way out from this. Like crazy, hope I will win over the devil in me.
